roartonrisen | (no subject)

(no subject)

It started twenty minutes ago and Kieren can't stop it.

His hands have been shaking uncontrollably and given the non-stop black blood coming out of his nose, it's led to a lot of the drops hitting the floor. The bleeding isn't new, but this much of it all at once is and that's sort of what's really scaring him right now. He can't stop shaking, he can't stop bleeding, and he has to wonder if the NTP is coming to the end of its usefulness. He thinks that this might be the end of Kieren Walker, PDS, and a return to full-zombie Kieren.

The panic is welling up within him as he thinks of hurting people and he knows that he can't do that. This feels like losing control, like Blue Oblivion, and it just means it's only a matter of time before he goes rabid.

He can't do there here in Darrow, not where people might get hurt. That's what makes the decision for him and Kieren bolts, leaving his place in a mess of blood droplets and tissues, heading out into the country on foot. He's too cowardly to end his own life, but at least he can look for a place to hide out until it all calms down and passes over.

And if it doesn't pass? Well, then at least there's a chance someone will stop him before he gets back to the city limits.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"I feel like the world can't get at me," he admits, because while it's not the same as being back in Roarton, but there's no strangers here judging him and no one's afraid of him the way they would be at home. He gets so tired of being the monster in the night. "I'd never do that to myself again, but it just feels...it feels familiar, is all."

Sirius isn't quite sure what to make of that. He does wonder if maybe Remus felt the same way about the Shrieking Shack. If, after awhile, he saw it less as a monthly prison and more as a place where no one could harm him and he couldn't harm anyone else. Or if that hadn't mattered at all given their excursions once they'd all mastered becoming Animagi.

"I could cast a spell," he says after a moment, his hand still curled loosely around Kieren's wrist. "Like a bubble around you. Invisible. You couldn't hurt anyone and no one could hurt you. It's not the same, I know. It isn't... a shelter, I suppose. But."

"Would it work? Long term, would it work?" That's all he really cares about right now. He doesn't want to be in a position to hurt anyone, not ever again. That's the only thing that really matters. "If that's the case, then you can bubble me up all you like."

"The spell would wear off after a time, but I could recast it. Ad nauseum if necessary," Sirius says, anxiety winding tighter. It's likely not the answer Kieren would prefer even if it is the truth. And despite what Kieren says, he likes the idea better than him being holed up in a cave.

But then. He supposes it isn't really his decision to make.

"I'll consider it." He thinks that's about all he can promise to do. He doesn't feel like going home yet, reaching out to scrape his bloodied fingers over the cave wall in front of him. "I don't want to lose who I am. Not what I feel, either, especially everything for you."

"You wouldn't," Sirius replies, watching as Kieren drags his fingers along the cave wall, smearing just a bit of dark blood there. "Not with the spell, I mean."

He knows that's not what Kieren means, though. It's the affliction itself threatening to steal Kieren's identity, his humanity. And there's nothing Sirius can do for that, at least not on his own. He'll find a way, he's sure of it. With Kell's help. And Newt's. There must be something.

"I'd like you not to lose that as well," he adds, his voice quieter, strangely self-conscious. "No one's-- I mean, I've had friends that care for me, but no one's cared like you do. Not certain anyone else ever could, honestly. You're a terribly patient person, Kieren Walker," he says, trying for a smile though it's weak. Trying too hard. "I'd really rather not be here without you."

It sets him off again, letting out a grief-filled sob that fills up his throat. He doesn't know what to do otherwise and he just clings a little tighter to Sirius, fearful of what will happen if he doesn't manage to get things properly under control. What if this is the beginning of the end, as his senses get away from him and he becomes the very thing he's scared of the most? "Just don't let me hurt anyone," he says. "I don't want to go, but you have to stop me from hurting people."

It's clearly the wrong thing to say and Sirius feels his heart crash down to about his toes as Kieren curls in closer, his face to Sirius's shoulder as he sobs.

He closes his eyes tight, swallowing at the images that suddenly seem relentless behind his eyelids, each one worst than the one before. Kieren going rabid in the streets, lurching and weaving, grabbing women and children. Hungry. He sees the arrow that one man had, aimed. Flying. He sees Kieren tackled and bound. Shot. Covered in blood that isn't his, snapping and groaning and in no way recognizable to this boy he loves.

"I won't," he finally manages, voice catching in his throat. "I'll make sure of it, I promise. You'll not hurt a soul."

Unlike so many, it's a promise Sirius knows he can keep. Because he has to. Someway, somehow, he'll make certain that the only person hurt by whatever might happen is Sirius himself.

He tightens his fingers in the fabric of Sirius' clothes and holds tight, swallowing back his fear of going back when he's still not sure if the bleeding has even properly stopped. "I need to wash away all the blood," he says. "I need a tub. Maybe it'll stop, by then." Maybe he can figure out why it had even started.

"We can go home," he says tiredly.

"If it doesn't, I'll be here," Sirius reminds him, his heart lodged quite firmly in his throat as he pulls away a bit to meet Kieren's eyes. "Are you okay to apparate?"

Typically, Sirius doesn't bother asking at all, but given Kieren's state, he feels it's best to do so this time. It's quite a walk back to the flat, but one Sirius is more than willing to make if Kieren would prefer it.

"It's that or make the walk back and I'm not sure I've got the energy for that," is Kieren's reply, his eyes tired and barely staying open. "So, yeah," he agrees, wrapping his arms around Sirius' neck to hold on through the strangeness that apparating always brings.

Sirius replies only with a nod though he's admittedly relieved by the answer. Making certain Kieren has a tight hold, he concentrates and lets the world go sideways and in a moment they're sat on Kieren's sofa. It's much more comfortable then the cave.

"Here," Sirius says, pulling away so he can get to his feet, reaching for Kieren's hand. "I can run you a bath if you'd like. Or at least help you wipe up the muck."

Kieren sniffs and dabs at the blood still coming from his nose, frightened as ever as he tries not to think about what's happening to him that could cause such a terrible change in his body. "Let's do a bath," he says, feeling like he has no energy. "I'm not sure how much of a mess I was before I left."

With a nod, Sirius gently pulls Kieren to his feet and down the corridor to the bathroom, letting go only once he's there to begin running the bath.

He checks the temperature of the water even though it won't make any difference. Kieren won't mind whether it's cold or hot or warm, but perhaps it's just habit. He pushes in the stopper before turning back to Kieren, hands falling to the bottom hem of his shirt and slipping it up. "Could magic up some bubbles," he says with a soft smile. "Interested?"

Kieren isn't sure that he cares about bubbles or no and he shakes his tired head when he thinks of prolonging anything. He starts to strip off his trousers to join the shirt, crawling into the tub and closing his eyes as he sinks back into the warm water, his half-lidded gaze absently to the side.

He feels awful shutting down like this, but the future he sees is a bleak one and he'd rather not fixate on it.

Sirius takes Kieren's hand as he steps into the tub, balancing him so he doesn't slip. He eases in carefully, slowly, the water rising to make room for him. As he gets comfortable, Sirius sits on the edge of the tub, reaching over to grab the washcloth and dipping it in the warm water.

"When'd it start?" he asks, scooting closer then to use the cloth on Kieren's face, wiping him clean of the black streaks. "How long have you been running today?"

"Just after I woke up this morning," he says, voice low and quiet. "I couldn't stop shaking and that's when the blood started. I just sort of kept bleeding more and more, which is when I started to walk away from here. I was looking for some place that felt safe and I knew I had to get away from town, in case I was turning rabid again."

Sirius's frown deepens at that answer, his touch faltering for only a second before he continues wiping Kieren's face clean, scrubbing off the congealed, black goo.

"If it happens again you should come to me," he says, keeping his voice quiet and as calm as he can manage. "I know you're worried about hurting someone, but-- but ring me, maybe. I'll keep my mobile on. And you can't hurt me, Kieren. You know I can protect myself just fine."

"I don't like the idea of you having to protect yourself from me," he says, thinking that it should be obvious that this would be a very bad thing that he'd like to avoid. "It would probably put a bit of a damper in our relationship," he says wryly.

"It wouldn't," Sirius replies instantly his voice firm but calm.

He hesitates then, remembering a conversation he'd had only weeks ago atop that hill in the park. He's told Kieren a good deal about his past, but not everything. Some things he's kept very carefully hidden indeed.

"My friend Remus," he says, his voice quieter as he dips the cloth into the water rinsing out the black sludge before dragging it over Kieren's shoulder next, up the side of his neck. "I know I've mentioned him before, but I haven't told you everything. The reason I'm an Animagus is because of him. Because, when me and mates were about twelve or thirteen, we figured out why Remus disappeared for a few days every single month. More specifically, why he disappeared right around the full moon, every month like clockwork."

Kieren's not an idiot. He can infer what happens to someone if they're running away constantly when the full moon is around. The trouble is, he's still coming to terms with what he is and this is new. "Werewolf," he says, trying to leave a little wiggle room in case there's something more going on.

After all, sometimes simple isn't the answer.

"Yes," Sirius confirms, dragging the cloth across Kieren's shoulders, frowning faintly at the puckered sort of scar there, cleaning around it as carefully as he can manage.

"He was bitten very young. Very, very young. Our headmaster knew of Remus's condition and, despite the laws and regulations against dark creatures, he was allowed to study with us. Of course, there was no escaping his transformations so a shack was built far off grounds, accessible from school via this massive Whomping Willow tree.

"It was perfect, really. Except it meant Remus was forced to be alone every month during the hardest days and nights. And we weren't supposed to know, of course. Nobody was. But apparently Dumbledore -- the headmaster -- didn't count on boys as clever as me and James. Werewolf transformations are not like me turning into Padfoot; they're not easy things. And every month, we'd see Remus return to school worn to the bone and bruised, covered in marks. We figured it out. We didn't tell Remuse we know, couldn't worry him. And we didn't know what to do. Not at first."

It must be awful to have to undergo something like that on a monthly basis. At least with him, it happened once and then it had been over. More than that, it had been accompanied with the opposite problem -- no feeling at all, save for the guilt and the pain of regret that he'd have to live with, forever.

"How old were all of you, at the time?" he asks softly.

"When we figured it out? Twelve, I think. Around there," Sirius replies, sliding the cloth down over Kieren's arms, his other hand slipping up to lighly comb through the hair just above Kieren's nape.

"It took us a good two or three more years to become Animagi," he continues, smiling a little at this part. It's been nearly a decade now and it's something he's still proud of. "There are dozens of spells involved, all sorts of strange potions and items required to accomplish it. But our goal, you see, was to be able to transform with Remus. As animals ourselves, we could keep him company on those hard nights."

He goes quiet then, lapsing into memories of dragging Remus out into the woods. Looking back, it'd been foolish. Reckless. It's by pure luck alone that Remus hadn't gotten loose on those nights, hadn't barrelled off to harm anything larger than rabbits and squirrels.

"Remus didn't know until we'd completed the spell," Sirius tells him, his smile faltering slightly. "And in all that time, we had to sit quietly and watch him become more battered and bruised with every full moon. Had to pretend we didn't know."

It's like him and Amy, to a degree. Only, it's not like they could ever really turn their affliction off. He gives Sirius a worried look and is grateful for the distraction from his situation. "You didn't worry that something terrible was going to happen? That maybe you were going to get hurt, even when you were all in your animal forms?"

Sirius shakes his head, then laughs. "We should've been. We were astonishingly reckless honestly. Arrogant and foolhardy. I suppose some things never change," he adds with a wink, sliding the cloth down the front of Kieren's chest now. The water's getting higher, encircling Kieren's waist and Sirius dips the cloth in and drags over his skin.

"He could've ripped any one of us to pieces at any moment, I suppose. But there's something about the communication between animals that's impossible to explain unless you've lived it. He knew we were his friends, even when completely transformed. He trusted us."

And again, he pauses. Because this is the hardest part, the secret he's never told a single soul. It feels important, particularly given everything Kieren's told him of his past. And given his affliction, of course.

He doesn't meet Kieren's eyes as he washes the line of his collarbone and takes a breath. "I loved him, I think. Remus. I never told him, not once. To be honest, I don't think I really knew what it was I felt til years later, long after it was too late. Not that he'd ever have wanted the likes of me anyway, of course."

Kieren softens as Sirius talks about being in love. He should be jealous, he thinks, but he can't really bring himself to be. It's not like he has the room for it, what with having two sort-of-relationships in his past. "I'm sure if you'd told him, he wouldn't have reacted badly," he promises, sinking down into the tub and feeling the swirl of water at his fingertips.

He feels it.

Alarmed, he pushes it down and clears his throat. "Maybe you'll get a chance, still, to say it to him." Because if things with Kieren go the way he suspects, he wants Sirius to be happy. "Promise me, if I go...? If he's here, you'll tell him."

"You're not going anywhere," Sirius says, his voice firm and possibly just a little desperate as he washes down the expanse of Kieren's chest again. "This isn't like it was for you back home. You've got me and Newt and Kell and Magnus, you hear me? We'll figure something out.

"Anyway," he continues, his other hand resting at the back of Kieren's neck, "the point of the story is that you're not the first boy I've loved with rather scary tendencies. Before Remus decided he hated me and fucked off during the middle of a war, I'd figured out a way to stay with him even through the darkest moments. And I plan to do the same with you. Whether you like it or not," he adds with a soft grin.

"If you're asking to become a zombie with me, I can't do that," Kieren says, not sure why it is that he can't do what everyone would expect. "I could bite you and scratch you until the sun goes down, and nothing would happen except you'd have a few marks."

"It's sort of like we were chosen for this," he murmurs. "It's the second chance I never expected. My parents, they were thrilled," he says softly.

"Never said anything about becoming a zombie, did I?" Sirius replies, his smile soft and slightly pained as he settles back a bit to meet Kieren's eyes. "We didn't become werewolves for Remus. Could have, rather easily, but that was never the plan."

Lifting his hand, he runs his fingers through Kieren's hair, making the strands faintly damp. "We became something that could co-exist with him. Between me, Kell, and Magnus, there must be some spell to enable me to do something similar here. With you. Not sure what it might be yet, but I've confidence I can figure it out. And I will. Do you trust me?"

He nods. It's tired and he's not sure how much hope he can stand to possess, but it's something. He doesn't want Sirius changing or hurting himself to be with Kieren, but the selfish part of him does want to have someone with him, because otherwise it's just a long, lonely existence and he's not even sure it'd be as a person so much as a monster.

"I trust you," he murmurs. "I just don't know if I trust myself."

"Then let me trust you for the both of," Sirius replies, giving him as much of a smile as he can. "There's no telling what might happen, it's true, but I know magic tends to give mere Muggle science a run for its money more often than not. Even if... If you do turn, we'll be able to get you back."

It's not a might or a maybe. Sirius says it as a definitive. He's quite done with watching someone he loves go through years of misery. There's nothing he can do for Remus, especially here, but there's a chance with Kieren. And he's going to take it.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only