roartonrisen | Sirius

Kieren's still not entirely sure how he got home, but he didn't get a can and he thinks he'd run the whole way out of sheer, bloody, awful panic. He feels guilty about it all, too, because it's not like he could've controlled himself when he was PDS and that wolf, man, thing, it hadn't been able to, either. It's a scary thing to be on the other side, starting to understand the fear of the people in Roarton.

Still, Kieren's first impulse will still always be to help and not to hurt, not when there's been so much harm already done. He's still shaking when he gets to his and Sirius' place, his hands not letting him get the key in the lock for the tremors. Forcing himself to calm down, he takes in a few deep breaths and tries to look steady, even when it's the last thing he feels. If someone could smell him, they'd choke on the fear spilling off him, which makes him pray that Sirius isn't hanging about as Padfoot right now.

Setting his supplies down in the kitchen, he starts opening the cabinets to see if they've got any booze lying around. If any time is a time for him to drink, it's right now.

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Sirius wants to point out that he essentially already has a charm, that being his wand. But he's quite tired of arguing himself tonight and only nods instead. If it'll make Kieren feel better about the whole thing, he'll do it.

He frowns a bit at Kieren's added statement, feeling a mite defensive once again, but he bites his tongue as he helps Kieren to his feet.

Then, without a word, he turns to head back to their room, his shoulders a bit droopy and his muscles weary. The cold tea he'd brought up remains on the floor and he doesn't so much as bother to turn on the light once he's reached their bedroom, only quietly strips off his clothing, his back turned to Kieren so as not to give him the impression that he plans to try anything.

Kieren follows along and sits awkwardly on the end of the bed, not sure whether he ought to be the one on the sofa. He feels tired and guilty and a touch annoyed, yet, but it's just his irritation and panic from the night not having anywhere to bleed off to. He strips off his sweater and his trousers, sitting there in a t-shirt and his boxer shorts, staring at his hands.

"I'm sorry," he offers quietly. "I know you're only concerned because you care about me. Sometimes, I'm not great remembering that it's not just me," he admits, which had happened back home. "I can be selfish, I know I can."

They both undress in silence and Sirius glances only briefly at Kieren before stripping the blankets back and climbing in between the sheets. Kieren sits rather awkwardly at the end of the bed, back curved and radiating discomfort.

Sirius only watches him for a moment, frowning when Kieren speaks again.

"Come on," he says quietly then, tugging the blankets back further to invite Kieren beneath. "I promise I'll not do anything, just-- lie down."

Kieren lets out a slow breath and he really is truly relieved to be back home again where he is safe, but he's just equally bad about showing it and accepting any help for the future. It's something he needs to work on, he knows that, but he wishes that he could be instantly better at it, instead of feeling like he's disappointing Sirius all the time. He shuffles backwards, under the covers, and curls up against Sirius to do nothing more than slide into the warmth of his body, adjusting so that he can rest his cheek against Sirius' chest.

"I'm sorry I scared you. I'm sorry I got scared," he admits. "I wish that I knew a better way of reacting to all this."

Some part of Sirius expects Kieren to continue being stubborn and refuse to lie down, but Kieren hesitates only a moment before sliding beneath the covers and, even more surprisingly, shifting closer to Sirius, resting his head on Sirius's chest.

It settles something beneath Sirius's skin and he lets out a slow breath, lifting a hand to brush his fingers through the short hair at Kieren's nape.

"I'm not upset that you were scared," Sirius tells him, his voice quiet. "And I'm not upset you scared me. I didn't mean to make you feel as though your some weak and helpless child -- I'm only worried is the thing. I'm not-- If something were to happen to you, I'm not sure what I'd do. Quite tired of all the people I love dying or disappearing on me."

It's still strange to Kieren, having this. He's never made it so far as to share a bed with someone before, so to be able to slide his fingers over Sirius' waist and hold him close is a revelation he still indulges in every time, no matter how annoyed he might be feeling. "I'm still here," is what Kieren says, firm and sharp. "I need you to believe that I'm not leaving you. Okay?"

"Tell me you know that," he says, craning his neck so that he can look up into Sirius' eyes. "Tell me you know I'm sticking around."

It's easier this way, Sirius thinks. With the lights out and their faces tipped away from one another. Easier to just hold and be held than to think too much on the panic he'd felt beneath his breast or the irritation he'd caused.

"I believe you wouldn't want to," he manages eventually because the he is at least fairly sure of. "But here, in this place... you know that's not something anyone can promise. Either one of us could be gone tomorrow with or without rabid dogs to worry about."

"So let's not spend all our time worrying about it," he pleads, seeing as he thinks that's at least fair to ask. "If one of us might vanish at any point, then why should we spend all of our time worried about it? Can't we just live and be happy and us?" he says, his tone weary. "That's all I want. I just want us to think about what we have, how lucky we are."

It's one thing to stop worrying about things one can't control and another to try to prevent things that can be controlled, or at least somewhat prevented, Sirius thinks. But he's tired of arguing and Kieren is warm and quiet in his arms and, truthfully, all he wants is to sleep and hope the morning makes things a bit brighter.

"You think I don't already spend huge amounts of my time doing that?" he asks, his voice lightly teasing as he ducks to press a kiss to the top of Kieren's head. "Why do you think I worry so much? Not very used to getting to keep those things I hold dear."

"We're living together in a place of our own, you've got me," Kieren promises with a mild scoff as he curls in, his eyes already falling shut as he lets himself relax to the sound of Sirius' heart beat against his ear. "I'm here, alive, with you. Okay? You're going to make up some kind of charm for me and all will be well."

There's every possibility that it's only Kieren's exhaustion that's making him so willing to keep the charm, but Sirius isn't about to question it.

He relaxes instead, letting out a slow breath as he holds Kieren tighter, resting his cheek against Kieren's head. "All will be well," he agrees even though he's still not certain he truly believes it. Perhaps if he says if often enough and with decent conviction, it'll become truth.

And, until then, he'll just hold onto Kieren as tightly as Kieren will allow.

Sirius - Post Alley

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