roartonrisen | (no subject)

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It's there when he's coming back from getting groceries. All of a sudden, there's something very familiar looking looming outside of the Dimera Apartments and though Kieren wants to pretend that he doesn't know what it is, the shape of it and the plastic yellow tape warning people to stay away is something that pushes a chill down his newly sensitive skin. He can feel the dread as he nears it, clenching the groceries tighter.

Kieren's not sure he can even help how much he expects to see an awful sweater and Simon sitting on top of it, but there's no one there.

No one but his grave.

"“Gone is the face we loved so dear. Silent the voice we loved to hear," he hears Simon in his memory, thinks of the poetry that he'd rattled off the very first time they'd met.

And now, outside his apartment, there's a gravestone marking his death. He's alive again and human, but here's something reminding him that at eighteen years old, Kieren decided that he couldn't take it anymore and ended his life. Good thing he never got cremated, after all. Sitting gently down beside it, he's glad it's not Rick's grave, though he knows he might be tempting fate. Ice cream beginning to melt, Kieren can't exactly move, still trying to figure out what he even feels about all this.

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Kieren's sure that he doesn't want to be seeing the lumbering stone every time he enters and leaves his home, but he's also not sure what getting rid of it does. "Could you break it into pieces?" he asks, suddenly. It wouldn't be such a bad thing, he thinks, if he could have just a piece of his grave to use as a sort of garden ornament or a piece of modern art.

And then he could remember without having to stare at something so morbid as an actual grave.

It's a surprising request, both of Sirius's eyebrows rising as he considers it before nodding as he drops his hand away.

"Could, yeah," he says. "Could do it right now even if you wanna scare the pants off a few Muggles." He doesn't bother keep a smile from creeping onto his lips then as he waggles an eyebrow. "Do you want to keep a piece or two, is that it?"

He hasn't a clue what Kieren might do with them, of course. Lay about him flat, maybe, a constant morbid reminder. Then again, if it helps him in some way, Sirius won't stop him. Couldn't even if he wanted to besides.

"I think the whole thing might be too morbid," he admits, "and I think destroying it all will make me regret it. But a piece? Just a piece, then I might be able to give myself a way to remember not to make the same mistakes again," Kieren says, his voice soft with a thread of strength behind each word. After all, he knows he's not going to be that weak again. For one, he's getting older now. Surely that means he's also getting wiser.

He shrugs, thinking of the size of it and using his hand to make an indication. "Maybe just this? I could put it in a garden with some plants or something. Doesn't need to have the poem on it or anything."

"The bit with the poem would be fairly large anyway," Sirius points out as he glance down at the size Kieren is approximating with his hands. He won't be able to guarantee the exact sizes of the pieces that might crumble away, but having spent many, many years blasting things to pieces, he has a fairly good idea of how far back he'll need to stand, at least.

Giving Kieren a light nudge, he pushes up to his feet then and pulls his wand from the back of his jeans.

"You're sure about this?" he asks as he walks a few feet away, glancing about for prying Muggle eyes. He'll be able to put it back if needs be, but he still wants to be certain. It'll be a rather jarring blast either way.

"Not really," is his confession as he steps back to sort of hide behind Sirius as they do this, entirely unsure as to whether this is a good idea or not. His life has been filled with bad ideas, though, and who's to say this isn't actually a good one. "Maybe we could just sort of turn it into a bit of a memento for the two of us?"

"We've got to be hitting some kind of anniversary soon, yeah?"

"Have we?" he says because he's honestly not thought of it much at all. It's been a solid few months, he knows, and he keeps wondering at what point he'll start to panic about such a thing seeing as he's witnessed that sort of thing before. But so far, he hasn't.

He's not quite sure what that's supposed to mean.

Frowning a bit, he looks back at the stone before turning his attention to Kieren once more. "I'm not sure a bit of your gravestone is entirely romantic, is it? I mean, I do realize what it means and all that, but it seems a bit of a bad omen, doesn't it?"

Kieren hasn't been keeping track, but he feels like it must be nearly six months, which is six months longer than anything he's had before (unless you count Simon, which had been maybe two weeks). "So maybe then it's just a bit in a garden and it's a piece of my home," Kieren amends, "and instead, I could take you out for a proper dinner in a real restaurant."

"And this time, I won't just sit there and watch you eat," he says fondly. "I'll be able to eat, too."

"That sounds perfectly, obnoxious reasonable," Sirius replies with a hint of a grin to show he's teasing. Reaching back behind himself, he finds Kieren's hand with his free one and squeezes tight as he holds his wand in his other hand.

He considers his proximity and the force of his magic for a moment before carefully taking a few steps back, dragging Kieren along with him. Then he pulls in a breath and says, "Reducto!" as he swishes and points, sending a zap from the tip of his wand straight into the stone, blasting it dozens of pieces with a great crack.

Kieren isn't exactly ready for how violently loud it's going to be, and startles a little when it gets blasted. Still, he also can't deny the relief that floods him when the stone is no longer there, no longer occupying his view, and reminding him that up until recently, Kieren had been a dead man walking.

It's gone, reduced to pieces, and while he still wants one of them, he doesn't want the rest. "This is how I met Simon, you know," he shares. "He was sitting on my grave."

"You know that thing I said about terrible omens," Sirius remarks at that with a faint sneer. He's at least partially teasing though and he gives Kieren's hand a light squeeze, waiting just a moment longer for the dust to settle before stepping toward the mess.

"Is there one in here you like more than the rest. We could just leave it like this, too. The grounds people will be boggled."

Kieren steps forward to look at the pieces, crouching over to piece through them. He finds one that looks a little like an obelisk, about the size of his palm, and curls it in under his fingers, feeling the coolness of the grave at his hand. "Thank you," he says quietly, because it might be morbid, but it's still his.

He glances up at him, his smile much happier. "I'm starved," he says, as if he isn't always starved nowadays. "Tea?"

Sirius lets go so Kieren can rifle through the mess, discarding some of the bigger pieces and the smaller ones as well before deciding on one. He seems to test it in his hand before he grins up at Sirius. And Sirius grins right back.

"Starved, eh?" Sirius replies, reaching down to lightly ruffle Kieren's head. "That's still a bit of a new sensation, isn't it? D'you wanna go up to yours? 'Least we're not far. We could have sandwiches."

"I think I've gained at least five pounds already," he admits, which isn't totally true. For all that he's been eating, he's also been making a point to get out and around and feel things like sweat and his heart pounding. He's even gone for a run, which is something he generally had avoided unless he'd been running away from something.

For a long time, he'd always chosen to run away. He's getting better, though. "Tea and sandwiches," Kieren agrees. "And maybe something else to remind me that I'm very much alive."

If Kieren's gained anything, Sirius hasn't noticed. There are a number of ways in which he looks different from before, obviously, but it's all in the color and texture of his skin, the warmth of him, the fall of his hair.

Grinning still, he reaches a hand out to help Kieren back to his feet. Briefly, he considers cleaning up the mess he's left, but figures it's worth leaving if only for the confusion it'll cause anyone who happens to walk past. "Something else?" Sirius remarks, arching an eyebrow as he starts heading toward the door. "Pray tell, what might you have in mind?"

"I don't know, maybe we could curl up and watch a film?" he suggests. "Or you could give me a backrub," he keeps going, eyes widening with eagerness. "I wouldn't mind you doing that, make me sort of feel all of that, all those things I never thought I'd feel."

"How's watching a film going to make you feel you're alive?" he asks with a quick laugh. "Could do that easily enough before, couldn't you? The backrub... well, I'll give you one if you return the favour."

He's joking, really. For the most part. It's not as though he needs any bribing to put his hands on Kieren though he also wouldn't turn down a backrub of his own if he can get one.

Sometimes, Kieren does miss other PDS because there are things like this that feel odd to explain, but he still feels them strongly. "I couldn't cry before," he reminds Sirius gently. "Couldn't really feel laughter or anticipation or any of that. A good film, a really good one? It makes me feel again. And it reminds me of home," he shares quietly, thinking of his Dad.

"And yeah, I wouldn't mind a backrub in exchange for giving you one," he agrees.

It's not something he's thought about if he's honest, that Kieren couldn't really cry before. Perhaps he'd just taken such a thing for granted, but he supposes he can understand why it might be something Kieren would enjoy now that it's a possibility at all.

"Alright, a film then," he agrees as he opens the door and follows Kieren inside. "One of your choosing. And a backrub. Would you prefer that before or after?"

"Why not during?" Kieren suggests, because he thinks that a backrub and a flick might be something that he's been missing out on for a while and it's something that he can have. So why not ask for it?

He wraps his arm around Sirius' waist as they walk. "And, I mean, then you could have your choice of what we do."

"Wouldn't a backrub distract you a bit?" Sirius argues, though he's more curious than truly arguing at all. Kieren's arm fits nicely around his waist and he calls the lift as he leans easily against him. "From feeling, I mean. Can't say I've been in the situation at all before, but I'd imagine it'd be a bit difficult to cry in sadness when I'm feeling someone rub all the aching muscles in my back."

"So let's try and see which wins," he says, eager to find out, if he's honest. "And then we can try it the other way. And then, if we think about something else, we can do that too. We've got all the time to try things out, yeah?"

"Oh, I can think of a few things we've yet to try, but I don't think they fall into this category," Sirius replies with a grin as they wait for the lift to show. "But tea and sandwiches and a terrible film sound like just the perfect thing for the afternoon."

The lift arrives then with a ding and Sirius steps in, Kieren right at his side and he glances down at the shard of granite still clutched in Kieren's hand before pressing the button for the second floor. Yes, he's well aware they could take the stairs, but he still hasn't quite gotten over the novelty of this sort of thing. "What are you going to do with that?" he asks as the doors slide closed. "Make a centerpiece out of it?"

"I never said the film had to be terrible," Kieren feels compelled to argue, because he wouldn't mind a good flick, but he'd settle for anything. He just really likes the prospect of curling up with Sirius, getting comfortable, and really enjoying himself in all the ways they can.

As for the granite, he stares at it for a long moment, pursing his lips. "I think a mini garden, maybe, at my flat." And, awkwardly, he wonders if he's supposed to be thinking about asking Sirius about moving in together, but he doesn't think they're quite there yet, not really.

"With flowers, you mean?" he asks, quirking an eyebrow. "Or a garden with vegetables that you actually plan on eating? Don't think it'd be weird to plant that sort of thing next to a bit of your gravestone?"

The lift comes to a slow stop then and as the doors ding open Sirius casually drops his hand to curl his fingers with Kieren's. "Also, if I'm to rub your back, I'm going to have to request that you take your shirt off. That's my one condition."

"I think maybe just some flowers," Kieren shares, curling his fingers over Sirius' a little tighter. "Carnations or lilies or something else easy to manage if you put it in the sun and water it enough." When the lift comes to a stop, Kieren leans over to press a kiss of thanks to Sirius' cheek, grinning fondly at him.

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