roartonrisen | Sirius

Sirius - Post Alley

Kieren's still not entirely sure how he got home, but he didn't get a can and he thinks he'd run the whole way out of sheer, bloody, awful panic. He feels guilty about it all, too, because it's not like he could've controlled himself when he was PDS and that wolf, man, thing, it hadn't been able to, either. It's a scary thing to be on the other side, starting to understand the fear of the people in Roarton.

Still, Kieren's first impulse will still always be to help and not to hurt, not when there's been so much harm already done. He's still shaking when he gets to his and Sirius' place, his hands not letting him get the key in the lock for the tremors. Forcing himself to calm down, he takes in a few deep breaths and tries to look steady, even when it's the last thing he feels. If someone could smell him, they'd choke on the fear spilling off him, which makes him pray that Sirius isn't hanging about as Padfoot right now.

Setting his supplies down in the kitchen, he starts opening the cabinets to see if they've got any booze lying around. If any time is a time for him to drink, it's right now.

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Kieren gives Sirius a disbelieving look, tired and panicked, but not so much of either of those things that he's ready to let Sirius imply that he'd just sat there not doing anything. "I wasn't trying to get hurt, I was in an alley, I got cornered," is his huffy response, glaring at him. "So what if it had bitten me? Then I'd call you, you'd just pop me to a hospital or something like that."

"It was an animal, it was scared, I just had to calm him down, then I got away," he says defensively.

"I don't think you were trying to get hurt," Sirius insists at the pierce of Kieren's glare. "But what if you'd not been able to calm it? What if it'd been more than a wild animal? There are other magical creatures about in this place, Kieren. Ones I can't always protect you from."

The idea that, after everything, the same thing that happened to Remus could happen to Kieren has him suddenly terrified. By the time they'd all met him, Remus had had years to grow accustomed to his condition and still it ripped him to pieces every month. And every single time, it tore Sirius into knots, watching helplessly as his best friend screamed in pain and lost nearly every shred of his humanity.

No. He'd not see that or anything worse happen to Kieren.

"There are spells I can cast," he says then, his voice sharper now, brooking no argument. "I'll enchant an object you can carry with you. I know there's something that can be done."

Kieren wants to keep protesting that he would be fine and that he would call for help using a cell phone or his actual voice, but Sirius doesn't look like he's going to be calmed by any of that and instead, he feels he should give in a little. "What sort of spells?" he asks, willing to entertain Sirius' notions so long as they aren't too crazy. "They won't have any side effects? Do anything weird to me?"

"Sirius, I'm a grown man," he says, "I can protect myself."

Kieren doesn't sound averse to the idea at first, asking after what spell Sirius might cast. And, truth is, he isn't certain right in that moment. He knows there must be something, however, something he can make perhaps with Kell's help that will create a sort of bubble of protection around Kieren when activated. It can't be something anyone can see, nor something he's required to wear. But surely he can manipulate a warding charm somehow. It can't be that difficult.

It's when Kieren puts up a bit of protest that Sirius snaps a bit, whirling around to face him, his eyes wide. "Yes, Kieren, you're a man! You're human. You're Muggle. And this city is full of magical creatures who can hurt or kill you just as easily as every other person. Whether you're grown or not has nothing to do with it! I'll not have you torn to pieces by-- by some wild animal or hungry vampire or ordinary human with a gun. There must be something."

Kieren hadn't expected such an outburst, but his own patience isn't exactly at its best levels right now, which means that he's not going to just take this silently. "So could you!" he shouts back at him, his whole body shaking now not from panic, but anger. "You could step in front of a bus or you could get hit with some random disease or one of those things you just said! So why am I the one who has to get wrapped up in cotton padding? I'm not weak!" he snaps, pushing himself from the chair to pace around the kitchen, running a hand through his hair in frustration.

"You can't prevent me from living, Sirius," he insists, eyes wild. "I've died before, if it happens again, at least it'll be while I'm actually living and not just ignoring all the bad in my life. You can't protect me from everything."

"There are some things that can't be helped, but others that can," he argues right back. "I at least have a wand. It may not protect me from a bus or dragon pox, but if I find myself in an alley with a rabid dog, I've got some means of protecting myself. What've you got? A mobile? What, will you chuck it at him next time?"

Distantly, Sirius knows this isn't the best way to go about things, but... but, fuck it, he's scared. He'd not realized before now how truly vulnerable Kieren is now that he's human again. He could have died. For good this time.

The only trouble with living with Sirius is that when he's so furiously pissed with him, he's not sure where he can go. Lucky for him, there's a whole room upstairs for him to go to, because apparently, he's a weakling who can't protect himself in the event of danger, never mind that he got himself home this time.

"Fuck off," is what he says, angry and hurt, thinking of how many times he's been in worse situations, thinking of Simon taking a bullet for him and he knows, he knows Sirius cares, but it's coming across terribly right now. Ignoring the tea, he crumples up the nearest papers on the table (half started sketches) and heads for the stairs, running when he gets there because all he wants to do is escape and get away and stop feeling like this.

The cloud that passes across Kieren's expression is more than enough indication of how terribly wrong this is all going. Sirius has seen him upset before, has seen his flash of anger, and he's no happier to see it now than he's ever been.

"Kieren!" He calls out even as Kieren's left the kitchen, the tea still not even to a boil yet. He hears the pounding of Kieren's footsteps up the stairs and calls out louder, "Bloody-- Kieren!"

His own rage flashes then and he kicks at the oven, the clang of his boot against the metal not nearly as satisfying as he'd hoped.

Kieren hears the giant clang and flinches at it, curling up in the corner of his studio with a giant pad of paper on his knees (drawn into his chest) and a pencil clutched in his fingers. He's not really wanting to draw, but he's not sure that he can sit downstairs and listen to Sirius talk about how weak and fragile he is just because he's human again. As if Kieren doesn't know what dying feels like, as if he's somehow not ready to fight again.

The pencil is pressed to the paper and he just closes his eyes, trying to shut out the world and all the feelings he hasn't got a clue how to process. He trudges to his feet to turn the lights off, grasping a blanket to throw over his head as if to mimic a cavern, as if to mimic his and Rick's cavern, where no sensory overload can affect him and he can try and focus on feeling something but this.

It's some time before Sirius follows him upstairs. The upset under his skin boils for awhile right along with the hot water, the whistle startling him into action though he pours the tea a bit mindlessly, his thoughts stuck on Kieren's anger and Sirius's own fear. He isn't entirely certain what he's said that's so wrong, how he's expected to not worry when Kieren's nearly been attacked by a dog of all things. Sirius spends a decent amount of this time as a dog! He knows what they're capable of!

The tea he's poured is cold by the time he finally heads upstairs, and his own upset has also cooled some, melting into a different sort of worry altogether. He's not surprised to find that Kieren's not in their room when he gets there and, frowning, he wanders to the only other place he could be.

There's a lump in the corner of the room when he gets there, a figure hidden beneath a blanket and Sirius pulls in a deep breath as he approaches, dropping quietly to the floor before him and tugging gently at the cover.

"You in there?" he asks as he sets the mug of cold tea on the floor. "Tea's gone cold."

Kieren had started to draw after ten minutes, sketching out Roarton from the horizon. It's half-done, but it's enough to have brought him back to thinking about that. When the blanket gets lifted slightly, he tugs it off of him, mussing his hair up in the process. He's still feeling worn and tired, and cold tea isn't going to do much good, now is it?

"I don't know what it is that you want me to do," Kieren admits, tiredly. "You can't assume that I'm this fragile that a gust of wind or going outside is going to kill me. I've faced more dangerous things than this place," he says. "I'm not that delicate."

Kieren's hair is a mess when he pulls off his blanket, strands standing up every which way, and Sirius resists the urge to reach out to smooth them away. He's fairly certain Kieren wouldn't respond well to his touch just now.

"It's not any sort of wind I'm worried about," he manages once he's certain Kieren's down, frowning down at the sketchpad though not particularly seeing it. "And I don't think you're weak. Or at least no weaker than any other Muggle out there." He hazards a glance up then, trying to meet Kieren's eyes. "Do you really think I'm mad for being worried? I'm quite fond of you, you know. If I've not made that clear. I'd like to keep you around for awhile."

"You think that I can't handle myself," he says, "and you want to wrap me up in cotton swabs and refuse to let me live my life. I was walking home and a bad thing happened, so what? It was bad luck, I've had worse happen to me in Roarton. I want to stay," he promises, "and I don't mind that you worry. I mind that you think I'm weak, that you think that I can't stand up for myself without some kind of spell to do the work for me."

"I'm not weak," he says firmly. "I know sometimes, people think that of me, but I'm not," he vows, which is something people find out long after they haven't given him the proper respect he deserves.

"That's not--" Sirius stamps down quick when he noticed his voice rising again, the urge to get defensive nearly getting the better of him.

He takes a breath.

"What would you have done had that dog actually attacked you? What's to have stopped you from being seriously harmed? Or worse? Kieren, I'm not-- it's not as though I'm forbidding you from the leaving the house without me. What's the matter with carrying a bit of protection?"

"If a dog had actually attacked me, werewolf or otherwise, I would have called an ambulance and you," Kieren replies, because while he might have become hurt in the process of things, he also wouldn't have been so helpless that he'd just lie there in an alley and bleed himself to death. "I'll carry some protection if you'd also acknowledge that I'm a grown man, Sirius," he insists, as stubborn as ever, "and I can take care of myself. You don't see me asking you to wrap yourself up in cotton padding just because I'm worried something might happen to you, like that dragon pox or some other magical disease."

"Life, sometimes, is hard and terrible, but we can't avoid it," he pleads. "Please don't treat us as something you need to protective wrap," he says. "I came home, didn't I? Without any help at all."

"Of course you're a grown man," Sirius remarks, mildly affronted. "And you're as susceptible to diseases as I am, you know. Now, at least. But I've got a wand on me, erratic as it might occasionally be. It's a bit more powerful than a mobile."

He can see Kieren's point though he still maintains that he's not being unreasonable.

"Some things can't be avoided, I do know that. I'm not a complete imbecile. It's just the preventable things I'd like to work on. I could make a charm of some kind," he adds, his tone a bit pleading. "Just a token that could offer some bit of protection should you need it. That's all."

"Yeah, and I can kick someone who's trying to hurt me and those same legs can run away," he says, not that he's the sort to run when there's something that can be done to help people. "I'm not going to say no to a charm or a token," he clarifies, "but I need you to stop acting like the wind is going to make me bleed," he pleads with Sirius, seeing as he can't live like that, not after Roarton.

There's only so much kicking to be done against someone with a gun or a knife, Sirius thinks though he manages to keep that to himself. But it doesn't stop him from opening his mouth in indignation once more.

"I haven't!" he insists still. "You came home frightened and scratched, having escaped attack from some wild dog and I'm being unreasonably for worrying?! When have I ever tried to stop you from going out, Kieren? We moved to the bloody woods on my insistence, I'll remind you. That's a good deal more dangerous than your flat."

"Charm or token, not a protective padding spell," he clarifies, when Sirius still seems convinced that he's within his rights. "You can't have me suddenly getting everyone's attention just because a kid's ball might have knocked me in the face," he points out, a touch wary about being the centre of attention, still.

"Please, I'm tired," he pleads. "Can we just apologise? I'm sorry that I got huffy, but can you please not act like I'm not capable of taking care of myself? I'm better now, at that," he insists.

Sirius still wants to insist that he's doing no such thing, that his worries are completely reasonable given the events of the evening. And it wasn't so long ago that some people wanted Kieren dead simply for his affliction, of which he had no control. How is he being unreasonable for simply wanting to keep Kieren safe?

But it's obvious Kieren is worn out, both from the encounter with the beast as well as the argument, and Sirius forcibly swallows back the words. It takes quite a bit of effort.

"A charm," he says, because he's not giving up on that. He pushes himself to his feet and holds his hand out for Kieren to help him up. "It won't be anything that draws attention, I'll make sure of it. Can we at least go to bed together or am I being relegated to the sofa tonight?"

"Only if you end up wearing one yourself," Kieren feels compelled to say, because if he's going to wearing it, then Sirius better be wearing one too, to be equal and all. He takes Sirius' hand into his own to haul himself up, feeling weary and exhausted.

"You're not going to the sofa," he protests, because he hates sleeping alone unless he really has to. Even then, he'd much prefer not to have to do that. "Let's go to bed, but I'm not really up for anything," he admits.

Sirius wants to point out that he essentially already has a charm, that being his wand. But he's quite tired of arguing himself tonight and only nods instead. If it'll make Kieren feel better about the whole thing, he'll do it.

He frowns a bit at Kieren's added statement, feeling a mite defensive once again, but he bites his tongue as he helps Kieren to his feet.

Then, without a word, he turns to head back to their room, his shoulders a bit droopy and his muscles weary. The cold tea he'd brought up remains on the floor and he doesn't so much as bother to turn on the light once he's reached their bedroom, only quietly strips off his clothing, his back turned to Kieren so as not to give him the impression that he plans to try anything.

Kieren follows along and sits awkwardly on the end of the bed, not sure whether he ought to be the one on the sofa. He feels tired and guilty and a touch annoyed, yet, but it's just his irritation and panic from the night not having anywhere to bleed off to. He strips off his sweater and his trousers, sitting there in a t-shirt and his boxer shorts, staring at his hands.

"I'm sorry," he offers quietly. "I know you're only concerned because you care about me. Sometimes, I'm not great remembering that it's not just me," he admits, which had happened back home. "I can be selfish, I know I can."

They both undress in silence and Sirius glances only briefly at Kieren before stripping the blankets back and climbing in between the sheets. Kieren sits rather awkwardly at the end of the bed, back curved and radiating discomfort.

Sirius only watches him for a moment, frowning when Kieren speaks again.

"Come on," he says quietly then, tugging the blankets back further to invite Kieren beneath. "I promise I'll not do anything, just-- lie down."

Kieren lets out a slow breath and he really is truly relieved to be back home again where he is safe, but he's just equally bad about showing it and accepting any help for the future. It's something he needs to work on, he knows that, but he wishes that he could be instantly better at it, instead of feeling like he's disappointing Sirius all the time. He shuffles backwards, under the covers, and curls up against Sirius to do nothing more than slide into the warmth of his body, adjusting so that he can rest his cheek against Sirius' chest.

"I'm sorry I scared you. I'm sorry I got scared," he admits. "I wish that I knew a better way of reacting to all this."

Some part of Sirius expects Kieren to continue being stubborn and refuse to lie down, but Kieren hesitates only a moment before sliding beneath the covers and, even more surprisingly, shifting closer to Sirius, resting his head on Sirius's chest.

It settles something beneath Sirius's skin and he lets out a slow breath, lifting a hand to brush his fingers through the short hair at Kieren's nape.

"I'm not upset that you were scared," Sirius tells him, his voice quiet. "And I'm not upset you scared me. I didn't mean to make you feel as though your some weak and helpless child -- I'm only worried is the thing. I'm not-- If something were to happen to you, I'm not sure what I'd do. Quite tired of all the people I love dying or disappearing on me."

It's still strange to Kieren, having this. He's never made it so far as to share a bed with someone before, so to be able to slide his fingers over Sirius' waist and hold him close is a revelation he still indulges in every time, no matter how annoyed he might be feeling. "I'm still here," is what Kieren says, firm and sharp. "I need you to believe that I'm not leaving you. Okay?"

"Tell me you know that," he says, craning his neck so that he can look up into Sirius' eyes. "Tell me you know I'm sticking around."

It's easier this way, Sirius thinks. With the lights out and their faces tipped away from one another. Easier to just hold and be held than to think too much on the panic he'd felt beneath his breast or the irritation he'd caused.

"I believe you wouldn't want to," he manages eventually because the he is at least fairly sure of. "But here, in this place... you know that's not something anyone can promise. Either one of us could be gone tomorrow with or without rabid dogs to worry about."

"So let's not spend all our time worrying about it," he pleads, seeing as he thinks that's at least fair to ask. "If one of us might vanish at any point, then why should we spend all of our time worried about it? Can't we just live and be happy and us?" he says, his tone weary. "That's all I want. I just want us to think about what we have, how lucky we are."

It's one thing to stop worrying about things one can't control and another to try to prevent things that can be controlled, or at least somewhat prevented, Sirius thinks. But he's tired of arguing and Kieren is warm and quiet in his arms and, truthfully, all he wants is to sleep and hope the morning makes things a bit brighter.

"You think I don't already spend huge amounts of my time doing that?" he asks, his voice lightly teasing as he ducks to press a kiss to the top of Kieren's head. "Why do you think I worry so much? Not very used to getting to keep those things I hold dear."

"We're living together in a place of our own, you've got me," Kieren promises with a mild scoff as he curls in, his eyes already falling shut as he lets himself relax to the sound of Sirius' heart beat against his ear. "I'm here, alive, with you. Okay? You're going to make up some kind of charm for me and all will be well."

There's every possibility that it's only Kieren's exhaustion that's making him so willing to keep the charm, but Sirius isn't about to question it.

He relaxes instead, letting out a slow breath as he holds Kieren tighter, resting his cheek against Kieren's head. "All will be well," he agrees even though he's still not certain he truly believes it. Perhaps if he says if often enough and with decent conviction, it'll become truth.

And, until then, he'll just hold onto Kieren as tightly as Kieren will allow.

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Sirius - Post Alley

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